My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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