my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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