even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
