A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
