I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
They took my balls.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
