so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
