Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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