Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We are two peas in an std pod
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
