And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
