why didn't you poke me back
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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