If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
