I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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