I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
