I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
