You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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