Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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