I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize