the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
