you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is my gift to your gina
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
