I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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