my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
