he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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