Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
