He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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