did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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