I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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