my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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