Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize