Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
