my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
