im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
