It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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