You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The air was thick with penises
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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