omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
