Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
