I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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