I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
