i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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