I cannot find my penis.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
