I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
