If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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