Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
