the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
