i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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