Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
