FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
