Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
