i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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