Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
