I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
