Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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