just tell him i said nine months
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
