I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He better not be in your backpack
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
